Yay I finished my Creative Writing assessment... finally

We've finally finished our Creative Writing unit, and I have completed my story. We had a word limit of 1000 words and I managed to stay in that limit and keep all of the work pretty well done. I am not going to include my final story, but here is all of the work I have done for editing for my first draft.

Idea: You are a nurse, and you are working the midnight shift, there is someone roaming around the hospital and leaves a bloody trail. As you turn the corner of the hall, the person roaming gets to you.
Start writing here:
Shining unsteadily… the hall light cast a spell that descended the ward into darkness. Short bursts of yellow flickering lights brought fragments of bloodied remains into view. The sickening stench of rotten fish and copper blanketed the air. Bodies like famished mannequins, ghoulish and dissembled. Blood drying onto their pearl skin like the new coat of crimson paint on the wall. My uniform, once a dark magenta, is now a bright shade of scarlet. Aside from the rapid beating of my heart, not a muscle would move. Such a sweet, metallic pungency filled my nose. Heavy and festering, I knew the scent would never leave.
Desperate screams of tormented strangers fill my head. Limbs shake as I try to make my steps as light as possible. With each new step, the pace of my beating heart intensifies. Dark hues of crimson are plastered over the walls, with heads strung up on the walls like trophies. I edge closer and closer towards the end of the ward.
 The buzzing sound of the light intensifies as my steps become faster in pace. Crackling with each inch I move. Crackling with each step I take. Crackling as if I’m stepping on glass. Bones create a trail that becomes more distinct. Scratching noises coming from the storage room, abundant in tools. Various nail guns are hung on the wall. Inside, a trail of blood-stained bones leads to a pentagram made of intestines. Droplets of blood trickled down onto my face, travelling further down my body until it got to my fingertips. I sensed a presence, dark and cold, pulling me towards the door. I stopped and stared at the figure in front of me. Devilish. It looked almost… dead. Three gargantuan horns plunged out of the creatures head, each with a different shape on them. I try to comprehend the symbols before it attacks.
I let out the loudest possible scream, but it is not enough. The air-dried out my lungs and throat as I inhaled deeper, faster. I stopped walking and began to run. But something stopped me. The ground began to rumble and shake crazily. Severed toes and fingers slowly began to lift off the grimy floor. They span and shook as more and more parts lifted off the ground. They began to assemble. There was no getting out of this. I tiptoed towards room seven when I too began to float in the air. Suspended among different body parts, I could feel my heart starting to pound and sweat began to pour out of my forehead. I felt something holding me, but no person was in sight. There it was again, the devilish spirit. Clutching onto my face, the spirit began to chant an unknown phrase
"gAZZY BAAA WAAAAAAA", “gAZZY BAAA WAAAAAAA”, “gAZZY BAAAA WAAAAAAA”.
I let out scream after scream before the spirit itself began to settle me down. It grabbed my face before I could say anything and attempted to get its mouth around my head. I screamed as I grabbed a nail gun off the wall next to me and aimed it towards the three-horned creature. I’d never used a nail gun before so the task facing me sent multiple minuscule shivers down my spine. I needed to live, I HAD to live. I took the nail gun and aimed it at the centre of the forehead of the creature. My forefingers and my thumb squeezed the gun together to shoot a singular nail. Then another. Soon another. A singular nail was launched into the beady eyes of the creature. Muffled screams escaped my mouth as the creature leant forward. Closer and closer. The world started spinning in my mind. My vision went black.


I did this editing bit on my blog and copied and pasted it here
Task One: Write 50-100 words to use the senses to evoke a sense of place
At the very beginning of my story, I think I did quite a good job of this, but I think I could use some more of the five senses to entice the reader to continue reading. Here is the first part of my story where I used this skill...
Shining unsteadily… the hall light cast a spell that descended the ward into darkness. Short bursts of yellow flickering lights brought fragments of bloodied remains into view. The sickening stench of rotten fish and copper blanketed the air. Bodies like famished mannequins, ghoulish and dissembled. Blood drying onto their pearl skin like the new coat of crimson paint on the wall. My uniform, once a dark magenta, is now a bright shade of scarlet. Aside from the rapid beating of my heart, not a muscle would move. Such a sweet, metallic pungency filled my nose. Heavy and festering, I knew the scent would never leave.

Now I am actually really, really impressed with how well I actually completed this part of the writing. But there isn't really much showing the reader that it is a hospital, so I aim to change that. The only real way to tell its set in a hospital is the word "ward", But I want it to be easier to understand. I can certainly keep a lot of these bits that are already in the piece, I think I just need to add some more sentences. I also there is a plot hole in this paragraph, how does she get blood on her uniform? So I have to change that.

Here is my rewritten piece of writing (Highlighted bits are the bits I've either altered, rewritten, or changed completely)
Shining unsteadily… the hall light cast a spell that descended the ward into darkness. Short bursts of yellow flickering lights brought fragments of bloodied remains into view. The sickening stench of rotten fish and copper blanketed the air. Patients like famished mannequins, ghoulish and dissembled, were spread across the ward. Blood dried onto their pearl skin like the new coat of crimson paint on the wall. My legs struggled through the sea of bodies, the cuffs of my uniform pants dripped with blood. Aside from the beating of my heart, not a muscle would move. Such a sweet metallic pungency filled my nose. Heavy and festering, I knew the scent would never leave.

Task Two: Write 50- 100 words to list 2-4 things that will raise the stakes for your character on their way to reach their goal
Well, my character doesn't exactly state exactly what their goal is, but the goal for my character is to kill the satanic spirit. The story ends on quite a cliffhanger, you won't know whether the protagonist makes it out alive until you read the next part that I write for it, that's if I write it.
How to raise the stakes 1)
I think that during the part of my story when the protagonist is shooting the nail gun at the creature, I could write a part where the nail gun loses all of its nails and the creature attacks her. The protagonist could have a couple of her fingers bitten off or something like that.
How to raise the stakes 2)
Another way I could raise the stakes is if I write that the creature makes the bodies of the patients and doctors come back to life and attack the protagonist. I think this would raise the stakes because it would give the readers a reason to continue reading and be interested in what I'm writing. Not that what I've written isn't exactly interesting, but writing something like that could keep the readers more interested.
Task Three: Delete at least 3 unnecessary words from a sentence
Original Sentence: My limbs shake when I tried to make each of my steps as light as possible.
Completed sentence. Limbs shake as I try to make my steps as light as possible.

Task Four: Describe your character's backstory and mannerisms.
Protagonist
Shoulders rolled back, head held high, and back straight. Steph was always a confident and bubbly girl. She was very graceful and never went without a smile. Steph was always friendly. She always was such a good soul. She became a nurse at the age of 23, it was always a dream to attend to people and look after them. It was only after the incident, she never was the same.
Task Five: Write out 3 sentences to show where you've included at least three of the five senses

Basically, the whole first paragraph of my story uses the five senses…
Shining unsteadily… the hall light cast a spell that descended the ward into darkness. Short bursts of yellow flickering lights brought fragments of bloodied remains into view. The sickening stench of rotten fish and copper blanketed the air. Bodies like famished mannequins, ghoulish and dissembled. Blood drying onto their pearl skin like the new coat of crimson paint on the wall. My uniform, once a dark magenta, is now a bright shade of scarlet. Aside from the rapid beating of my heart, not a muscle would move. Such a sweet, metallic pungency filled my nose. Heavy and festering, I knew the scent would never leave.





My second draft
Shining unsteadily… the hall light cast a spell that descended the ward into darkness. Short bursts of yellow flickering lights brought fragments of bloodied remains into view. The sickening stench of rotten fish and copper blanketed the air. Patients like famished mannequins, ghoulish and dissembled, were spread across the ward. Blood dried onto their pearl skin like the new coat of crimson paint on the wall. My legs struggled through the sea of bodies, the cuffs of my uniform pants dripped with blood. Aside from the beating of my heart, not a muscle would move. Such a sweet metallic pungency filled my nose. Heavy and festering, I knew the scent would never leave.

Desperate screams of tormented strangers fill my head. My limbs shake when I tried to make each of my steps as light as possible. With each new step, the pace of my beating heart intensifies. Dark hues of crimson are plastered over the walls, with heads strung up on the walls like trophies. Curiously, I edge closer and closer towards the end of the ward.

 The buzzing sound of the light intensifies as my steps become faster in pace. Crackling with each inch I move. Crackling with each step I take. Crackling as if I’m stepping on glass. Bones create a trail that becomes more distinct. Scratching noises coming from the storage room, abundant in tools. Various nail guns are hung on the wall. Inside, a trail of blood-stained bones leads to a pentagram made of intestines. Droplets of blood trickled down onto my face, travelling further down my body until it got to my fingertips. I sensed a presence, dark and cold, pulling me towards the door. I stopped and stared at the figure in front of me. Devilish. It looked almost… dead. Three gargantuan horns plunged out of the creatures head, each with a different shape on them. I try to comprehend the symbols before it attacks.

I let out the loudest possible scream, but it is not enough. The air-dried out my lungs and throat as I inhaled deeper, faster. I stopped walking and began to run. But something stopped me. The ground began to rumble and shake crazily. Severed toes and fingers slowly began to lift off the grimy floor. They span and shook as more and more parts lifted off the ground. They began to assemble. There was no getting out of this. I tiptoed towards room seven when I too began to float in the air. Suspended among different body parts, I could feel my heart starting to pound; sweat began to pour out of my forehead. I felt something holding me. No person was in sight. There it was again, the devilish spirit. Clutching onto my face; the spirit began to chant an unknown phrase

"gAZZY BAAA WAAAAAAA", “gAZZY BAAA WAAAAAAA”, “gAZZY BAAAA WAAAAAAA”.

I let out scream after scream before the spirit itself began to settle me down. It grabbed my face before I could say anything and attempted to get its mouth around my head. I screamed as I grabbed a nail gun off the wall next to me and aimed it towards the three-horned creature. I’d never used a nail gun before so the task facing me sent multiple minuscule shivers down my spine. I needed to live, I HAD to live. I took the nail gun and aimed it at the centre of the forehead of the creature. My forefingers and my thumb squeezed the gun together to shoot a singular nail. Then another. Soon another. A singular nail was launched into the beady eyes of the creature. Muffled screams escaped my mouth as the creature leant forward. Closer and closer. The world started spinning in my mind. My vision went black.

Second post-writing activity to improve work
Paragraph One
Shining unsteadily… the hall light cast a spell that descended the ward into darkness.

Short bursts of yellow flickering lights brought fragments of bloodied remains into view.

The sickening stench of rotten fish and copper blanketed the air.

Patients like famished mannequins, ghoulish and disassembled, were spread across the ward.

Blood dried onto their pearl skin like the new coat of crimson paint on the wall.

My legs struggled through the sea of bodies, the cuffs of my uniform pants dripped with blood.

Aside from the beating of my heart, not a muscle would move.

Such a sweet metallic pungency filled my nose.

Heavy and festering, I knew the scent would never leave.

Desperate screams of tormented strangers fill my head.

My limbs shake when I tried to make each of my steps as light as possible.

With each new step, the pace of my beating heart intensifies.

Dark hues of crimson are plastered over the walls, with heads strung up on the walls like trophies.

Curiously, I edge closer and closer towards the end of the ward.

The buzzing sound of the light intensifies as my steps become faster in pace.

Crackling with each inch I move.

Crackling with each step I take.

Crackling as if I’m stepping on glass.

Bones create a trail that becomes more distinct.

Scratching noises coming from the storage room, abundant in tools.

Various nail guns are hung on the wall.

Inside, a trail of blood-stained bones leads to a pentagram made of intestines.

Droplets of blood trickled down onto my face, travelling further down my body until it got to my fingertips.

I sensed a presence, dark and cold, pulling me towards the door.

I stopped and stared at the figure in front of me.

Devilish.

It looked almost… dead.

Three gargantuan horns plunged out of the creatures head; each with a different shape on them.

I try to comprehend the symbols before it attacks.

I let out the loudest possible scream, but it is not enough.

The air-dried out my lungs and throat as I inhaled deeper, faster.

I stopped walking and began to run.

But something stopped me.

The ground began to rumble and shake crazily.

Severed toes and fingers slowly began to lift off the grimy floor.

They span and shook as more and more parts lifted off the ground.

As they began to assemble, I knew there was no getting out of this.

I tiptoed towards room seven, but I too began to float in the air.

Suspended among different body parts, I could feel my heart starting to pound; sweat began to pour out of my forehead.

I felt something holding me.

No person was in sight.

There it was again, the devilish spirit.

Clutching onto my face; the spirit began to chant an unknown phrase

"gAZZY BAAA WAAAAAAA", “gAZZY BAAA WAAAAAAA”, “gAZZY BAAAA WAAAAAAA”.

I let out scream after scream before the spirit itself began to settle me down.

It grabbed my face before I could say anything and attempted to get its mouth around my head.

I screamed as I grabbed a nail gun off the wall next to me and aimed it towards the three-horned creature.

I’d never used a nail gun before so the task facing me sent multiple minuscule shivers down my spine.

I needed to live, I HAD to live.

I took the nail gun and aimed it at the centre of the forehead of the creature.

My forefingers and my thumb squeezed the gun together to shoot a singular nail.

Then another.

Soon another.

 A singular nail was launched into the beady eyes of the creature.

Muffled screams escaped my mouth as the creature leant forward.

Closer and closer.

The world started spinning in my mind.

My vision went black.